Friday, March 8, 2013

Dream State Escalate: 26

 At the very least I cannot deny that I am well traveled in my dreams, and crazy wealthy... if you're going to dream, might as well dream big I guess.  Anyway, last night took me to the Parisian real estate market. I was looking to buy a house in the city... a HOUSE, not a flat... Do they even have houses in Paris? So I find this gorgeous mansion and I'm walking through the rooms with my girlfriends and  we're all super excited to start decorating it and making it mine when we get a phone call from some people we had met earlier and make plans to go to dinner. We have to take the Metro to get to our dinner location, then a long car ride. At some point in this car ride I realize that my ex is in the car with us and it brings about no small amounts of anxiety. I try to play it off like it doesn't bother me, laughing with the girls, singing along with the radio, car dancing... all the tricks I can think of to appear "normal" except none of it works, the anxiousness keeps growing and I'm clearly getting more and more upset, finally I reach back to hold one of my friend's hand, to help calm my nerves, except he's the one who reaches out for me, and as we're holding hands in the car, all the fear and nerves go away and I relax and fall asleep in the car.

So it appears that even in Dreamland, he's still the one I want to reach out to when I'm feeling inner turmoil. This isn't okay. This isn't what I need or want right now. I need to figure out how to be okay on my own. I still don't understand how he captured so much of me in such a short amount of time. I guess I just keep going through the motions. Stay busy, blog, try to get back into all the things that made me happy and fulfilled before him, keep my friends and family close.  I really don't know what else I can do.