Thursday, January 31, 2013

Dream State Escalate: 7

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night, I'll start with the soft fluffy one, even though it's out of order, I'm really hesitant to share the other one. It was so dark and sad, and true. So for the sake of honesty and making this dream journal I will share it, but with reservations.

The first one was that I was at a Natalie Maines (from the Dixie Chicks) concert at the Chumash Casino. She was great, she talked to the crowd and was entertaining and lovely... except she didn't sing her music. She played the piano and other instruments, but when it came to sing she'd pull out a record (yes a vinyl album) and put it on for the voice tracks. The one song that really stuck out in the dream was Easy Silence which is one of my favorites.

The other dream was that I was in bed with my boyfriend (this wasn't a sexy dream, don't worry I won't scandalize you with dirty details because there are none), I couldn't see his face as it was nighttime and dark, so I'm not sure if Miles Austin infiltrated my sleep patterns again, I didn't recognize his voice from my real life friends, so I don't think it was someone from my past, at least not a recent past. Anyway... back to the dream. I snuggled up against his chest, he wrapped his arms around me and said "babe, go back to sleep, love you" and I burst into tears, he gets worried and says "what's wrong?" and between sniffles and tears I mumble "I'm scared" he goes on to tell me that it was just a nightmare and that everything is okay. This is where I proceed to tell him that I'm scared because I love him so much, and that I'm just waiting for him to break my heart. That every time I surrendered to love in the past that whomever I loved had walked out on me, and that I was just waiting for him to change his mind about me {side note, just typing this makes me cry again}.

I'm pretty sure my brain threw me a bone with the Natalie dream after traumatizing me with the other one.

UPDATED: 3:42pm

I just had a flashback from another dream I had... just remembered

I was having a slumber party (weird I know, I'm in my 30s) and when I woke up my bed was in my office at work. I was using my laptop instead of the desktop (seeing as how I was still in bed) and kept falling back asleep. I finally got up and went to the bathroom, telling my co-worker to tell my boss my allergies were bad and I had to take a shower to clear things up... NOT THAT I COULDN"T STAY AWAKE. Ummm weird. I thought showering would mask my sleepiness?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Dream State Escalate: 6

Well the creepy dreams are back apparently... Le sigh.

Last night I dreamt that I rode my bike to work (scary right?) and by the time I was off work and ready to go it was covered in a blanket of spider webs and black widows that were the size of softballs. Yikes! There was even a squished spider in my shoe. Luckily my co-worker came to my rescue and got all the spiders and webs off my bike. Then after all the scary stuff was over and done, my (biological) dad showed up to tell us that he was right and we should have cleaned that side of our building months ago. Thanks Dad, big help.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

January: First Month of the New Year

    The month of January seems like a weird time warp for me. Parts of it seem like it happened so long ago that it's hard to believe that it's all been in one month, and part of it seems like it went by really fast. While I'm looking forward to whatever the future may bring, I'm a little sad to see another month go. I know January isn't technically over, but I think this one is ready a couple days early.
    • Life of Pi: This was the first movie of the New Year for me, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I won't spoil the movie for you, but I was blown away by how beautiful the cinematography was, and how touching the story could be. I haven't read the book so I wasn't sure what it would be about, but I'm so glad that I went to the 3D flick. I'm usually dubious of 3D features, but they seem to be getting better with time. The glasses don't hurt my eyes as much and the motion sickness is basically non existent. So yay! Go see Life of Pi.
    • The Best Girlfriends EVER: So the break up wasn't as terrible as it could have been. It was bad, don't get me wrong, but my girlfriends were super heroes getting me through it. They made sure that for the first week back in the realm of the single life that I wasn't alone and that I always had a shoulder to cry on. They let me know how much they loved me and that things would get better. And it worked. I still have moments where I'm sad and cry, but I know my girls are there to cheer me up. They listen when I'm being crazy and illogical, the offer advice when they think I can handle it, and they are quiet when they know I'm not ready to hear certain things. They are loyal to #TeamLauren, all while never really saying anything negative about him. They remind me that while it's okay to hurt and be upset, that things will get better, and this was just a quick stop on the big journey. It was real and important, and that it is okay to grieve over what was lost.
    • Blu Ray + New TV: I finally joined the 21st century with the help of my parents and Christmas elves. I am now the proud owner of a 32" flat screen TV and a blu ray player to make my home movie experiences that more enjoyable. Next step is trying to figure out how to afford Internet at home so that I can stream movies and click on all those bonus features.
    • at the Cal Poly
      Performing Arts Center
    • Live theater: Hair. It was interesting to say the least. It contained nudity, orgies, bad drug trips and draft dodging all set to a psychedelic rock soundtrack. The music was fantastic, I was entertained, awestruck, and horrified all at the same time. So good work. I can't say that i would be excited to see that particular play again, but i am glad that i went. It was a one night only show at the Cal Poly Performing Arts Center. I can't believe I went to school there for 3 years and it was my first time inside the building. Was a great venue and I can't wait to go back in a couple of months to see Broadway's Beauty and the Beast. 

    • Moving Crew: No faithful readers, I didn't move this month, but one of my really close friends did. She got this adorable upstairs studio that has a view of the pool. One full moving truck and 3+ sweaty hours later we got all her stuff in her place... the couch only got mildly stuck in the stairs, but yelling "PIVOT!!" like Ross from FRIENDS seemed to help lighten the mood, and bring the neighbors running to help these damsels in distress. Best way to relax post move? Chinese food and a long nap.
    • The Great Flood of 2013: Okay... so I didn't technically need to build an ark or anything remotely close, but I did have a small moat around my house and spilling into my pantry one Friday night this month. One of the waterlines to my house burst and created havoc. Luckily Jack's Plumbing came to the rescue and stopped the gurgling stream that was coming from my house. Nothing was ruined, except for a bunch of junk mail I've been meaning to destroy, and a few spiders probably got flushed away.
    • Zombie Fun: While the Walking Dead is on it's winter hiatus, Girls' Night has kept with the undead tradition and have taken to watching horror/comedy flicks in it's absence. Shawn of the Dead made an appearance in the DVD player, it wasn't really what I was expecting (had no clue it was British) but it was funny in that dry way that the Brits are known for. Does I Am Legend count as a zombie movie? They weren't really undead, just scary cancer survivors, but they looked like zombies...anyway it made the cut this month too. I was less than impressed {beware spoilers ahead} the dog died AND Will Smith died? WTF man? Not cool man, not cool.
    • Dream Journal: Finally after years of having really weird dreams and never writing them down I decided to start logging what goes on in my head after I fall asleep. I'm publishing them here in the bloggy blog as a series "Dream State Escalate" I don't plan on sharing them with the social networks, but they are available for your viewing pleasure. I tend to write them as I'm waking up in the morning, so please understand that they are raw and not especially well written. I just want to get the words out before pieces of them start to slip away.

      Pismo Beach Pier
    • Taking Time For Me: For anyone who has seen my calendars (yes plural) you know I jam pack my days. This month I've taken time off from that. I don't need to fill every waking second of my day, and I think it's helping my health a bit. There for awhile I felt like I was constantly on the verge of being sick and I was having a really hard time sleeping. Last week and this week for the most part my evenings have been pretty quiet after work, and I go to bed when I feel like it, not when it is "bedtime" sometimes that means 8pm, sometimes it's more like 11 or later. I don't feel the need to escape my house every night and I'm enjoying curling up with a good book again. A couple weeks ago I drove up to the beach by myself and took a ton of pictures of the ocean and finally started to feel like me again. I'm teaching myself how to use Photoshop and am learning how to make the landscape photos I enjoy so much even better. For the most part the post-break up anxiety is gone and I'm comfortable in my own skin. This doesn't mean I don't still have moments where I'm fighting back tears at my desk or wanting to throw things across my bedroom, but it does mean that I can control the impulses, and that they are happening less frequently.
    • Speaking of The Break Up: I've noticed this strange trend... and I don't like it, guys who I thought were my friends (and some were Internet only friends at that) suddenly seem to think that because I'm not seeing anyone, that I'm suddenly available and wanting to date/hook up/be more than friends with them... and they've been pretty vocal about it. Like they're entitled to a piece of me, a piece that has never been offered to them before I've had a boyfriend, and certainly not days after. I actually had to tell someone "dude, just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm ready to date or up for grabs" and then he had the nerve to be upset because I "took it the wrong way" and that "we've been friends for such a long time, it's a shame to throw a friendship like ours away" um I'm not the one who was posting inappropriate things on his facebook. I'm not the one who was flirting in a way that made anyone feel physically violated just by reading it. So he crossed my boundaries, and by me calling him out on it, I destroyed our friendship. Cool bro, guess we weren't friends anyway. Guess what... I miss you about as much as I miss having athlete's foot.  As for my real guy friends... you're amazing. Seriously, for you to be there for me while I cry about other guys, for you to make me laugh when I feel like playing in traffic, and for you to calm me down when I can't sleep, I can never thank you enough or fully explain how much you mean to me. Thank you for being a real friend... not just some guy waiting to pounce because I'm vulnerable. You're different than my best girlies in that you can offer some insight into the male mind and help me understand whats going on outside of me, and even though I don't always like to hear it, I do appreciate it. I'm a lucky girl, because I really do have the best friends in the world.



    Dream State Escalate: 5

    I had two fairly bizarre dreams last night

    The first one was that I was house sitting for my parents and taking care of my dog Holly (which is weird in itself because she died years ago and Jesse, the dog we currently have wasn't in the dream at all). Anyway I was playing outside when I smelled smoke and heard fire trucks. I yelled to my neighbor who had just gotten home if he knew what was going on, he said that he didn't. Just then I notice that the field in front of my parents house was up in flames and the fence between my house and the neighbors was burning too. We were able to put all the fires in the yards out with garden hoses and I woke up before the firemen arrived.

    The second dream was that I was shopping at JC Penney's with my mom, brother, his girlfriend, my grandma, and boyfriend Miles Austin (seriously LOVE how he keeps appearing in my dreams). Somehow while shopping I lost my shoes in the store and had no idea where they could be. So we all start searching for my flip flops, even looking for new ones to purchase when it starts to look like we aren't going to find them. Suddenly we hear over the loud speaker that the "Sandal Wearing Serial Killer" has struck again killing someone in the store and has once again left their shoes behind as evidence. They were looking for someone with no shoes on and would be closing their shoe department and checking everyone at the door. I of course panicked because I hadn't done anything wrong, but because I was missing my shoes I had just become a prime target. I started crying so Miles just hugged me trying to calm me down as my grandma (ever tactful) starts yelling "We don't have time for this shit! Find your shoes and get yourself together. We got to go!" I woke up from this one before ever finding the shoes, but I didn't get arrested either.

    Monday, January 28, 2013

    Dream State Escalate: 4

    Miles made it into my dreams again... This girl is not complaining.
    Anyway, we went wine tasting with my aunt and some of her friends for her birthday (it's not  until May, maybe this could happen?) at one of my favorite wineries (Rancho Sisquoc)... anyway we took a break from the tastings and wandered out side the tasting room where we noticed a live band was playing and we decided to dance... it was the perfect choreographed not quite slow dance. Lots of spinning and dipping, it was like Dancing with the Stars, but so much better. When the music stopped everyone was staring and clapping. We just looked at each other and laughed and went back to the birthday party like nothing happened.

    Saturday, January 26, 2013

    Dream State Escalate: 3

    This one I think I can figure out on my own. Simple case of the day's experiences wrapped up in a dream.

    In this dream I worked for a crime fighting government agency (NCIS perhaps? I had watched two episodes last night) and in order to catch the bad guy my team relied heavily on my Internet matching games skills.

    Who knew being able to play Candy Crush Saga was such a marketable and heroic pastime?

    Friday, January 25, 2013

    Dream State Escalate: 2

    Day 2 in the Dream Journal:

    Last night's dream was another weird one.

    My friend Karla and I were camping at a construction site for Meryl Streep's vacation home that was being built on the coast. We were technically trespassing, but who would pass up a potential Streep sighting (there were no celebrity cameos in my dream however)? Anyway it seemed the main theme of this dream was an intense need to go to the bathroom, and not being able to find a place to go.  The construction workers were really nice and didn't seem to mind our camping set up, and they'd sneak us into the house when "nature called" however every time I tried to use the facilities, someone would be in the bathroom or I'd get lost in a maze.

    When I woke up I didn't really have to go to the bathroom that bad, but I went just to be sure. LOL

    Thursday, January 24, 2013

    Dream State Escalate: 1

    I have intense strange dreams. They're vivid and emotional and so very real in the moment. I often wake up still feeling the effects and I can usually remember them for days, sometimes years depending on their impact. I've been thinking about starting a dream journal for years, you know document the crazy. Maybe now is the time.

    So last night thankfully there were no nightmares... just dreams that left me with a feeling of "WTF?!? You're weird Brain"

    Dream 1: I was watching the news at home (odd I don't have cable in real life) and this huge scandal broke out... about the Los Angeles Lakers (not a fan). Turns out the "real" reason Shaq was traded all those years ago was that they found out he was plotting to murder the entire team! They found graphs and flip charts in his "war room." Everyone from the lowliest waterboy to ownership was on his hit list. So instead of charging him with planning a massacre, they just moved him across the country. Seems legit, he's an athlete, they wouldn't charge him since he's a "hero." Who knew my brain had a TMZ dream app.

    Dream 2: I was married to Miles Austin. Yup. You know when I was in elementary school I was convinced I was going to marry Troy Aikman, so it's not a stretch that I'd find myself attracted to a different Cowboy. Anyway after a big win I was down on the field and getting interviewed (wives are important too!) and I was pregnant. Weird. Really weird. I was dressed really cute though, and had amazing hair. I could have been one of The Real Housewives of Dallas/Fort Worth if they ever decide to make that show. (also? have you seen that man? that baby would be GORGEOUS. Sure he might have cooties from dating Kim K. but I'm willing to forgive him for that... also to me says that he likes girls with big booties... and honey, Kim ain't got nothing on this girl)

    Anyway... that was your daily dose of my crazypants dream state. Stay turned for more?

    Tuesday, January 22, 2013


    Weird feelings are beginning to be the new normal. Restless nights are back in full swing and bad dreams are more frequent than they have been in months. Even the great dreams leave a bad taste in my mouth because when I wake up the moment is lost.

    Some days this break up is a lot harder than others, at least on the bad days I don't feel the need to share funny stories with him or I know that I should stay away from my stash of Will Ferrell movies (even though WF is my second language). On the good days I forget that he's not "Boyfriend" anymore and I can't want to share my exploits, or ask him if his day was as great at mine. Not every day is a constant struggle though, sometimes I manage to go hours on end without thinking about him, each day gets better, so I know that the future holds a day where I won't think about him, who he's with, or what he's doing at all. At least not in the terms of I wish he was doing all of it with me. I look forward to that day.

    I look forward to the day when I can call him my friend and not want more. I feel like that day is much closer than I had originally anticipated.  I truly want good things to happen for him, I want him to succeed and to have an amazing life.  I bear no ill will toward him. I never have, even in the darkest hours of this break up I have never hated him. That's new for me.

    I have to say this was the first important break up that I've gotten through without getting drunk or relying on sleep aids to get through the night. I guess this means a girl is growing up.  I did regress a little last week, or maybe the week before, I looked up the one who came before him, to see what the old guy was up to... surprising to say, to see that he was still with the one he left me for and that they look happy and in love didn't hurt my heart. I wouldn't go as far as saying that I was "happy" for him, but I'll say they look like they deserve each other. And you know what I can walk away without pangs in my heart and no bad thoughts. I don't wish him (or her for that matter) any harm or heartache, and I think that's enough. So yes, it was a step backwards to look over my shoulder at what I refer to as "Club Evil" (I was with him during a bad time in my life, and while I thought he was helping me, he was really taking advantage of my vulnerability, and I was naive enough to trust him) I wasn't pulled back in. I didn't stay in the shadows.  I was able to survive that, I will get through this too. This will make me stronger, and it will get me ready for the next journey.

    Today, I promise myself that even though I'm going to have moments of sadness and loneliness I won't let it discourage me. I will not give up on the idea of love. I will find that someone who wants to be MY someone. Maybe he'll find me. It will not be my focus in life, but I know it's out there.

    For now I'm going to work on healing my heart. For now I will do things that make me happy and fufull me. I will not rely on someone else to create my happiness.

    Today I will live for me.

    Monday, January 21, 2013

    Central Coast Winter

    This weekend I was stir crazy and was about to jump out of my own skin... so where better to go to reclaim my inner peace than the beach. This place has been my home away from home since I got my driver's license at 16... maybe longer, I was a baby beach bunny too.

    The ocean is my  favorite place to take photos, and I'm also learning how to use my photo editing software and I am constantly amazed at what I can do with pictures I already love.

    Winter here on the Central Coast of California is when the big waves come to town, they aren't always evident in the pics that will follow, but if you come visit 6 months from now prepare for Lake Pacific. The water was cool and gorgeous, I was knee deep in the surf at moments.

    Enjoy the photos. :-)

    Sunday, January 6, 2013

    A December to Remember

    This post is a little harder to write than I had imagined it would be. I started outlining it the first weekend of the month because I didn't want to leave anything out. December truly was an epic month and probably one I'll hold on to for a long time... December was nearly perfect for me and I don't want to let the events of January 1st spoil the memories. Looking back is a little heart wrenching, so forgive me if it's disjointed or awkward.

    • Britni's Jewelry Show early in the month my super talented friend held her second annual jewelry show in her adorable home in Atascadero, California. Her work is gorgeous and has a vintage quality that you don't see in many places anymore.  I would recommend her wearable art to anyone... wedding party gifts? totally appropriate, looking for something for your mom, sister, grandma, girlfriend, best friends? she's your girl. Check out her page if you get a chance, and visit her at art in the park in the summer months in Shell Beach, you truly will not be disappointed.
    • Last Minute Road Trip, the second weekend in the month my buddy Karla Beatriz photographer extraordinaire made a spur of the moment trip to Orange County to visit The Elitist to do a photo shoot, spend some quality girl time together, and to celebrate (early) her daughter's 3rd birthday. 
      • Photo shoot: so it went pretty well considering our model (Elitist) was recovering from a nasty bug and wasn't feeling at the top of her game and we made her get in the cold ocean/swimming pool/and basically dance around in her underwear all day... the unexpected moment was when Karla wanted to practice some different shots and had me crash the shoot. While I'm not comfortable posting the pics she took of me here on my blog, let me tell you I've never seen a photo of myself where I have felt so incredibly beautiful. A month later I still pull up the photos and get lost in them. I promise I'm not that vain, I've just never seen myself like that.
      • Camera oops: I was really stoked to have my mom's cannon rebel to shoot landscape/ocean activity pictures with on this trip... except I used the wrong exposure and 90% of my favorite pictures that I took at the beach that weekend were so over exposed that they were just a solid white screen. I guess it worked out okay though, it taught me how to use it before I went to Yosemite later in the month.
      • Happy Birthday Month Kiddo!
      • Aurora's Birthday: this year we introduced "Birthday Month" to the kiddo. Karla and I weren't going to be able to make it back down for the official birthday party at the end of the month, so we took her out for an ice cream sundae at the most ridiculously loud place we could imagine... a perfect place for a 3 year old right? I think it freaked her out a little, but if you're in the mood for a sweet frozen treat with a Carney Barker Farrell's is the place to go. This was her first of 3 (at least) birthday parties, she seemed a little confused by the notion of celebrating on a non-official day, but once the sticker was on her shirt and the ice cream came out, she was down to party.
    • Christmas Party with the Field's
        At the Field's Christmas Party 2012,
        I was the clear White Elephant Exchange winner.
      • Baking Nightmares: Since the party was potluck style, I chose to bring baked goods as my contribution. It's a standard for me, I enjoy baking, and normally it's something I'm good at. Normally. I don't know what was going on, but I was off my game on the brownies. BOXED BROWNIES for crying out loud. Anyway I made them according to instructions, popped them into the preheated oven and baked for the appropriate amount of time, I stuck them with a skewer to make sure they were cooked all the way through, and while they were still slightly doughy, they were cooked enough to pull them out.  Somehow, despite the fact that I greased/cocoa'd the pan, they stuck...bad... and half of the batch was burned and the other half not cooked all the way. I haven't failed that royally baking since... well the last time I baked brownies. Aren't they supposed to be the easiest thing to make? Can't elementary school students successfully make brownies? Anyway they got tossed and I baked a lemon bundt cake with chocolate frosting and it was a hit... or at least passed inspection. Have I lost my game from taking such a long break from the Kitchen Aid? Guess I better get my ass back in the kitchen on a more frequent basis.
      • Cards Against Humanity: This might be the most fun/inappropriate party game I've ever played. It is a lot like "Apples to Apples" except it has more of an "R/NC-17" rating. I suggest playing with your more open minded friends, or read a few of the cards before bringing it out a family dinner. My best advice is that while it's fun and hysterical with the right group, you really need to know your audience.
      • babies babies everywhere: this was a family-friendly party and I felt like the pied piper of babydom. All the little ones were so happy, I'm not sure any of them (all under 5 and if my memory is correct there was close to a half dozen of them there) had any kind of fussing or melt downs. I got spit up on a bit, but it's a hazard you face when holding those cute little people. Don't worry, I haven't caught baby fever, not even close, but I do like kids.
      • white elephant exchange: Like with a lot of Christmas or Holiday parties there was a white elephant exchange, gifts ranged from Copenhagen dip, cheap beer, orange cones, a Topsy Turvy tomato grower thing, door mats and other ridiculous items. Needless to say hilarity ensued and we were all a little disappointed when the game was over.
      • blind wine tasting: the last activity at the party (these weren't listed in chronological order) was a blind wine tasting, everyone brought a bottle of wine, we covered the labels with brown paper bags and sampled each. Some were awesome, some were the opposite, I'm not sure what wine was the winner, but with 12 bottles to taste from we were all in good spirits.
      • And the Food! Seeing as how it was a potluck there were lots of foodstuffs to choose from and I'm only mentioning a couple of the side dishes/appetizers. The stand outs if you will. If I left you out, feel free to add them in the comments, and if you'd like to link a recipe that would be awesome too. The main dish was turkey, one deep fried the other smoked, both received rave reviews.
        • stuffed mushrooms: okay, so I don't have the recipe for these here, but let me tell you that I have NEVER EVER EVER been a fan of mushrooms, I'll sometimes eat them on pizza and I cook with cream of mushroom soup, but to pick up a stuffed mushroom and eat it... let alone love it enough to go back for seconds or thirds? completely unheard of. I've been pestering my friend who made them to post the recipe, but as of right now it resides in her mom's kitchen and not on the Internets.
        • Mini Spinach Dip Bowls my god... these are amazing... I could eat them all night and not feel guilty at all because they're that delicious, probably not all that healthy considering the ingredients, but they have veggies in them right?
        • Cheesy Potatoes that will change your life... I really don't need to say much more than that. again, not the healthiest of side dishes, but it's a Christmas party, you're supposed to eat your weight in carbs.
        • Chocolate Covered Bacon: okay, so I don't have the recipe for this one either, but seems pretty simple, cook the bacon to your desired level of crispness and dip in melted chocolate. Total carny food and I love it. Toss in some funnel cake and a giant lemonade and you can go ahead and roll me out of the party.
    • Girls' Nights and Birthday Parties
    • Daryl Dixon:
      My Favorite Walking Dead Character
      • So our weekly Zombie Nights have reached the mid-season finale of "The Walking Dead" and now need to find meaning in our lives until the show comes back in February. We're thinking of adding other Zombie flicks until then... or It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathons, or maybe even hitting the gym occasionally... maybe.
      • We also celebrated one of the girls' brother's 30th birthday party one week. I had my first taste of Salvadorian food and I fell in love. Seriously, it was SO good. Maybe I really do need to hit the gym, seems like a large portion of this month's post is devoted to my love of food.  There were games to be played and lots of laughs to be had at the party, as it should be. Cranium and Taboo are always fun to pull out of the game closet, and unlike Cards Against Humanity, there isn't really an "appropriateness factor" that you have to consider.
    • Surviving the Apocalypse: The Mayan Apocalypse came and went without much fanfare, I woke up, survived and didn't spot a zombie all day... which is a good thing, because in a story to follow, I'm pretty sure the zombies will have me beat in about the first 5 minutes of the outbreak. I thought I'd be tougher, I'm not.
    • Cousin Date: My 11 year old cousin and I spent the Saturday before Christmas together, we went to the movies and saw Monsters Inc in 3D, overdosed on junk food at both the movies and Carl's Jr. after, then went and spent the rest of the afternoon with our grandparents and relatives that were visiting for the upcoming holidays. We hadn't done it in a long time, so it was a lot of fun (and just a tad exhausting... I'm not used to being around kids all day long, he's awesome, but it's just more proof that I'm no where near ready to begin the part of my life where I want kids... I may have mentioned that once before in this post).
      opening presents is exhausting
    • Christmas: Christmas in my families is spilt over two days, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning belongs to my mom's side of the family, while my dad's side of the family lays claim to Christmas Day/Night. This year was no exception. It was great seeing family members that I don't get to hang out with often, it was weird to experience the holiday without the family we had lost this year, and it was the first time I had shared a major holiday with a significant other (even if it was just a couple of hours at the end of the day). Everyone seemed to enjoy their presents and time together... even Mr. Dog even had fun unwrapping his gifts. 
    • The Granddaughters
    • Vacation: I took the last part of the year off for a vacation with the boyfriend. We went to Fresno to visit some of this friends and to take a day trip to Yosemite National Park. We had an amazing time, and I'm so glad that we had that last long weekend together. Even when he was driving me crazy on our 8 mile hike across town it was perfect. We spent a lot of quality time together, had laughs with his friends, saw awesome movies (some on tv, one at the theater), and of course the trip to the snow.
      • Yosemite:  I hadn't been to the park in 16 years, and never in the winter time.  It was beyond gorgeous. You can check out the link and see a few of my favorite pictures of the snow and beautiful winter landscapes.  It was probably the best trip I've even taken with someone I've been dating.  We laughed, we fell waste deep into the snow, threw snowballs at each other
      • Other Shenanigans
        • Our first night in Fresno we saw the movie Django Unchained (the D is silent). It's a Quentin Tarantino flick, and all that entails. It was exciting, funny, violent, and moving.  I'd see it again. It was about a bounty hunter in the South a few years before the Civil War. I don't want to give anything away but in my opinion Jamie Fox and Leonardo DiCaprio deserve an award for their performances.
        • After the movie we went to a dive bar called Red Wave for their weekly "Taco Thursday" for tacos and beer with a friend. When that bar closed we went to a more country themed bar to continue the night, then somehow ended up at a house party after that bar closed. Anyway fast forward a couple hours (I wasn't feeling well and I fell asleep on the couch) I get woken up and am told that its time for us to leave by my boyfriend... here leads to a big adventure on our trip.
        • The 8 Mile: So around 4 am we leave the house on the North side of town. There's no cab in sight and we set off on foot to his apartment, not exactly sure how long the journey will be.  It took 3 hours and the sun came up on our jaunt. I have never felt more like a hobbit in my life. I was convinced that I had hip displaysia, a sprained ankle, the black lung...when in real life I just learned exactly how out of shape I am and that I'm never going to survive the zombies. We finally got home and immediately went to bed and slept for most of the day. 
        • Yosemite Coyote
        • Once we finally woke up it was time to run errands and meet up with some different friends for dinner at my favorite pizza place in Clovis called BC's. They're food is so delicious, they have a wide selection of beers on tap, and both times I've been there I've had a great time.  I'd recommend it to anyone in the area. You will not be disappointed.
    • New Year's Eve: was spent with some friends of the boyfriend's family. We played bunco and watched ball drop. There were lots of laughs and it was really funny to see how competitive every one got over a simple game of dice. I didn't walk away a winner that night, but I really enjoyed the evening.  Even though I didn't really know most of the people I spent the holiday with, every one made me feel like I was part of the family and it was great.
    • Over 2000+ views :-)  thank you readers! Together we have reached over 2000 views before then end of the year, there's even more now, but I'm not 100% sure what the count was at the end of the month.  I really appreciate all the support and readership.  I plan on blogging thoughout the year as I had in 2012. I look forward to sharing my new adventures with you.

    Wednesday, January 2, 2013

    The Break Up

    No this isn't going to be salacious, no I'm not going to air dirty laundry... if you're looking for gossip I suggest going to and to not waste your time here. I'm only posting it because it deserves to be recognized, but it doesn't really fit with my happy monthly wrap ups, because lets face it, this isn't a happy time for me.

    Yes there are worse things that could have happened and that are happening in the world and that are happening closer to home, and maybe wallowing in self pity is a little indulgent and dramatic... but it hurts damn it, and he mattered, still matters, and it's only been since the 1st, I have the right to grieve over what was lost.

    So to answer the questions:
    • No it wasn't mutual
    • Yes I was surprised (in the moment), although in hindsight there were red flags
    • No I'm not angry
    • No I don't have anything bad to say about him
    • No I don't regret being his girlfriend or giving the relationship a chance
    • Yes I think that eventually we can be friends again (even though it might take awhile)
    • Yes I'll probably cry about it for a few more days/weeks
    • No I'm not posting this for sympathy, to make anyone feel bad, and I'm not trying to be a martyr
    • No I don't want you to beat him up
    • Yes I realize that pain is temporary and that things will get better in time
    • No there wasn't a big fight nor are there juicy details to share
    Does that cover them all? If not, it's close enough.

    I'm 31 years old, have been dating since I was 18, and this was the first functional relationship I've been in. This is the first time I've felt I could be "me" quirks and all with someone. He helped me work through a lot of issues I've had with the ghosts of boyfriends past, I could talk about my life, my past (it's not that sordid, but there are things that I haven't always been willing to share with other people that I was able to trust him with), he encouraged me to write and to take photos and to chase down the things that make me happy. He was the first guy I dated who was excited to meet my parents and that I wasn't nervous about making the introductions with. He listened when I talked and was sweet and thoughtful. When he made promises he followed through with them. He made me feel safe in a way that no one before him had been able to do.  We weren't together for a long amount of time, we only started dating in June and became "Facebook Official" in late August/early September, but he's one of the ones who have mattered the most....maybe THE ONE who mattered the most, and so I feel like I have to do what is best for him, even if that means he can't be mine anymore. I want him to be able to chase down his dreams to the best of his ability. I refuse to be someone who will hold him back.

    I never told him that I loved him and I don't think it would have changed the outcome, except that it would have been harder, and it's the very reason why I have to let him go. I have to let him go. Every time I see it/hear/think that phrase it makes my eyes fill up with tears and my heart feel like it's in a vice grip, but I have to do it. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me if it's not right for him. He has his reasons, and they are valid ones that logically I can understand, emotionally is a completely different story my heart and brain are rarely on the same page. His reasons are the same ones that I've had to break up with someone that I've cared about. He's just not in a place in his life where it works for him. That's not a bad thing, it's not something he's doing to hurt me or manipulate me, its a timing thing. He's not being abusive or mean, he's just being honest...and it makes me want to stay in my PJ's under the covers in a dark room all day (not that I have that option, a girl has to pay the rent).

    I know that things will get better. I know that I won't be sad forever. I know that I am loved and lovable...but right now in this moment it's hard to find the silver linings.