Tuesday, July 3, 2012

SSFW: A giggle inducing guide to life, sex, and stuff

This blog is sort of co-authored by The Elitist.She had this idea that she wanted to post a blog about all the things she's learned from men in the past 15 months and have it be really silly and fun... I started texting her funny lessons I've learned dating in the past decade and she decided that maybe I should post the blog myself. 

So in no particular order, and by no particular order, I will list the following lessons by bullet point. Feel free to guess who said what and it might be a good idea to not have a beverage while reading. There were a few other contributors to the list and if you have any to add feel free to add them to the comment section. There is always room for more giggles. If you want a more serious list of the dating lessons I've learned over the years check out my blog about Loving Mr. Wrong  or being In Love With Love Apparently I write about relationships... but really what is life about if not relationships. They don't all have to be romantic, but human interaction is what we do.

Time to stop feeling philosophical and start making the list...

  • I was introduced to medium rare steak, bread and butter pickles, and diet dr. pepper, those were the best things I can take from that relationship
  • Always were a pony tail (for those with long hair) during kinky sex or you'll never get the tangles out.
  • Semen in the eye stings like a mother fucker, but can be an effective hair gel if you run out.
    • OMG cum in your eye will leave you with a red eye for three days and will ruin your contact
  • If you have high intakes of wasabi and garlic in your diet, that's what your spunk will taste like and she'll never swallow again
    • Or let you cum in her mouth again
  • Shaved balls are gross
    • If the rest of your body is hairy, do not shave your balls, it's alarming
  • Gatorade immediately after a bender will help make the hangover more manageable the next day.
  • Please refrain from using cutesy nicknames on the second date, wait until we're in a relationship, and even then be careful some are just cringe worthy.
  • Don't forget to break up with your significant other/roommate before bringing new dates home, the outcome will be less than stellar.
  • Change your sheets between bed buddies, no one appreciates souvenirs from previous guests 
  • Never tell someone you're sleeping with that you love them... like a sibling
  • No one wants to blow Swamp Thing, keep it clean friends.
  • There is a right way and a wrong way to 69, him on top with swamp crotch = the wrong way
  • Booty Call Rules are as Follows:
    • if he calls after 10:59 its a booty call
    • he needs to be single
    • he can't meet your family
    • he can come to your place
    • he just needs to be single and hot!
    • if your BC is your crush's bff don't expect your crush to ever be your BF
    • its super hard to transition from a BC to a relationship... not saying it can't happen, but don't expect it to.
  • If she's more interested in the cartoon going on in the background, you're probably doing it wrong
  • Do not tell me you have a 24'' cock, because I will laugh at you and call you a liar. Its involuntary, really, when someone tells you something that ridiculous laughter is imminent.
  • Ziploc is not an effective form of birth control
  • If you're planning on breaking up with a girl, please don't take her on a super romantic vacation immediately before. It just makes goodbye that much harder and you kind of look douchey.
  • Led Zepplin makes a perfect making out soundtrack
  • Whiskey dick is NEVER appreciated.
  • There is a right way and a wrong way to pull a girl's hair... if her reaction is a confused look or "ouch ouch that hurts!" you probably did it wrong.
  • Sometimes the best sex is the kind that makes you burst out in uncontrollable laughing... no honey I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because I'm having a good time.
  • Fake boyfriends can never know that they are the fake boyfriend.
  • You really shouldn't be proud that girls tell you "8 Second Ride" is your theme song, it doesn't mean what you think it means...
  • You may think having long hair is sexy, but seeing as how it always doubles as something to grab onto, I'm always in some sort of a back-bend. No wonder I end up having sex on my head so often. Its like a permanent yoga session in my bedroom.