Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Shattered Glass

Preface: I wrote this "letter to him" after a night filled with anxiety attacks, vivid dreams, and a lot of tears. Its raw and unedited, exactly how I felt when I first woke up.

I hate how just seeing your name can make me break out into a cold sweat, how the mere thought of you gives me nightmares or even worse happy dreams of what could have been. How do you still have this hold on me? Why am I finding it so impossible to let you go? You aren't good for me, you never were. You have proven yourself to be selfish and untrustworthy. Those aren't qualities I'd look for in a friend or a lover, so why doesn't that goodbye we said 6 months ago feel final? Why am I so scared that one of these days you're going to show up out of the blue and the sound of your voice will make me forgive you? Am I really that weak? Do I hate myself that much that I would allow you back into my life just to break me all over again? Why did I ever love you? Why does it feel like I still do? I was never that important to you, so why did I allow you to become the center of my world?