Thursday, June 7, 2012

Girl Blog Series: 1 of 3: The Rant

This blog entry started out as lots of scribbles on sheets legal paper with lines and arrows connecting all my thoughts together trying to explain all my rants and wishes for women in 2012.  I discovered as I was trying to organize them that they would work best in a 3 part series.  This is part one: The Rants.  The Political Angle and the Wishes will follow eventually, but these are the parts that came to me first and most loudly.  These are the words that are keeping me up at night, these are the things that make me need to take a Lady Macbeth type shower and I just can’t get all the grime and ick off.  Yes there are parts that I am a guilty party to, but part of personal growth is recognizing problems and working on making yourself a better person.  So here I am; ranting, raving, and hopefully growing.
Pretty Vs. Hot

I’d much rather hear from a stranger or acquaintance that I look pretty rather than hot.  Are we girlfriends (girls can get away with using odd compliments with each other)?  Am I dating you?  Are we hooking up?  Are we naked friends yet?  If the answer is “no’ any of these questions please refrain from using the term “hot.”  The compliment (and I’m assuming you mean it that way) is just too intimate for our relationship (or lack thereof) and it makes me uncomfortable.  Also please don’t send me text messages or emails or facebook private messages with these compliments so that your wife/girlfriend/other women you are hooking up with can’t see it and get on your case about it.  They know what the word implies and if it would bother them for you to use it on me, then don’t use it.  I don’t want to be part of your dirty game.  Another request, if you’re in a relationship (even if it is technically undefined) with me, that does NOT give you the green light to flirt with my friends right under my nose and then try to hide it.  I guarantee my girlfriends will do the following: check with me to see how I feel about it, laugh about what a tool you are, and finally never ever sleep with you.  Treat me with respect and I’ll do the same for you, treat me like I don’t matter, and I’ll introduce you to my alter ego, Frost.

·         Unattainable Standards/Ideals           

As a woman entering her early 30s I’m finding it hard to know what is really expected of me.  I’ve never been married and don’t have any kids so what does that make me? Honestly, it makes me 100% okay with my choices, but I’m not sure that many women in this boat feel the same way.  For years I’ve had to listen to my grandmother whine and bitch at me for not being married or in a relationship, because apparently my worth is measured in my human legacy.  I’ve had former employers question my need to get a degree because I’d eventually get married and have a man take care of me.  I have the GOP telling me that if I take birth control for its intended purposes I’m a raging slut, but if I don’t take birth control and were to get pregnant, I’m a lazy bitch who wants to milk society.  Men claim to want Barbie, but also want a woman that doesn’t intimidate them to the point of impotence.  Smart and pretty are suddenly mutually exclusive and the only places on my body that fat is allowed are my breasts and ass.  You know what?  I call BULLSHIT on all that.  I can be single, smart, beautiful, curvy, funny, talk sports, responsible for my own reproductive system and drive a car with a standard transmission… Does that make me more or less of a woman? Not at all, it makes me ME.

Fap Scale
(if you are unsure of the definition of "Fap" feel free to check it out on

Since when did masturbation become something to brag about?  Where was I when that memo went out?  First let me say that I think that it is natural, healthy, and the safest way to get your rocks off without the threat of disease or pregnancy. Ladies and gentlemen play away, no judgment from me.  Now that my disclaimer is out there I want to know when beating off because so mainstream that women’s beauty and worth are judged based on whether or not a dude would jack off to a photo of her… and not necessarily even a “sexy photo” (not that it would make a difference) but any picture… sitting on the porch with her grandma? Totally up for judgment and maybe grandma too.  It’s beyond repulsive.

Yes I will joke around with my friends over attractive men with the occasional “yeah, I’d hit that” and maybe that makes me just as bad, or maybe I’ve just been conditioned by our society to think that this kind of behavior is acceptable.  When clearly it’s rude and dehumanizing.  If I don’t want jerks creeping on me, maybe I need to learn to stop being an asshat.  In my defense the majority of my fantasies are pretty PG, lots of hand holding, kissing, pretty words, and snuggling… maybe some brief nudity.  What I really dream about is someone who makes me feel safe, loved, respected, and beautiful.  Someone who understands my sense of humor and loves me not in spite of my quirks and insecurities but because of them.  I dream about someone who will chase away the monsters than haunt my dreams and cause me to wake up screaming, not just someone with season tickets to Pleasure Town.  I would take mediocre sex with someone who truly gets me over fantastic mind blowing sex with someone who makes me question myself and what I mean to him.

Tits or Get the Fuck Out (GTFO)

Whoa, wait a minute… who gave you ANY authority to demand access (even if it is just visual) to my body as an admission fee?  I see this statement all over public message boards on a daily basis.  I understand that it is supposed to be a joke, but it is decidedly not funny.  It’s misogynistic and ugly.  If I want to show off my (amazing) rack, that’s MY CHOICE, not giving into your childish demands.  Do I stop you at the door and demand that you take out your penis so that I can get a tape measure out and only let guys of a certain “standard” into my life?  Is there a height requirement outside my bedroom door?  How about I hang a sign that says “Douche-bags need not enter” I’m pretty sure that would cover the bases.

Who made all this crudeness okay?  Should we blame social media? The porn industry?  Is it our fault as women for being so damn awesome that men can’t be expected to control themselves and their urges?  Why is it suddenly acceptable for men to treat women like sex toys and we’re supposed to giggle like it’s cute?  Did I accidently take a DeLorean ride back to the 1940s or something?  Guess what guys, women are strong, beautiful, and powerful and we don’t have to put up with your shit anymore.  Are you scared yet?  I know some of you are… but that’s for another blog.

Mean Girls

Why is it so hard for women to get along? Even friends can often turn to frenemies and co-workers easily become hell-bitches.  I feel like we let little things that shouldn’t affect our relationships (personal or professional) get in the way.  Sometimes I feel like I need to tell my female co-workers to leave me alone so I can get some work done while they’re chatting about their personal lives, but I know if I cut them off it would hurt their feelings and then I’d have to deal with dirty looks and snotty behavior the rest of the day, when it’s better for office harmony to listen to the stories, even if it is extremely counterproductive.  If it was one of my male co-workers I could easily say “go away, I’m busy” and they don’t get their feelings hurt that I don’t have time to talk to them about things not directly related to the job at hand.
Mommy Wars:
It seems like in the media there appears to be ongoing knock down drag out fights between Stay at Home Moms Vs Working Moms in one arena, down the street the other big fight is between Single Women Vs Married Women.  I’m a big fan of supporting all of them. 

I think in regards battling mommy idealogy each family needs to decide what is best for them and everyone else needs to stay out and not preach about how their way is better.  If the kids are happy, healthy, and not in an abusive situation then mind your own business.

To breastfeed or not to breastfeed, again this decision is best left up to each family to decide what works best for them.  It isn’t for other mom’s to look down on mother’s who choose to feed their children formula instead.  Unless you are in the family you don’t know their story, not the whole one anyway.

Relationship Status:
Hey married women, most single ladies aren’t trying to steal your husband, and if you do find someone who seems to be getting a little too close to your husband, talk to your man about how his relationship with this woman is inappropriate.  Don’t let him off the hook.  He’s the one who is breaking/bending your vows, yes the woman in question is far from innocent, but she isn’t the only bad guy.  A lot of single ladies are happy for their married friends, however, please stop bitching about how awful it is that he leaves the toilet seat up or how he never remembers to put gas in your car.  If you don’t counter the venting with some praise your friends are going to wonder why you’re married in the first place.

Single ladies, if a man is married, in a committed relationship, otherwise off the market do not pursue him.  Who wants a cheater?  Chances are if he’s going to cheat on his wife with you, he’s going to cheat on you with someone else.  It’s not just about having respect for the institution of marriage, it’s about having respect for yourself.  Don’t be a poacher, it isn’t cool.

All ladies, remember to nurture your friendships with women, because when it comes down to it, your girls will stick with you through life’s toughest moments in ways that men aren’t capable of dealing with.  Even if you are perfectly blissfully married to the most amazing man on the planet, there are going to be moments only other women understand, because they’ve been through the same experiences.  I’ve had talks with women I’ve only met minutes earlier and most of the time it goes like this “Oh honey, you think that’s bad?  Let me tell you about ______.”  We’ve all been there in some way or another and are such good resources of information and emotion that we can often bring each other from tears to giggles and from irrational behavior back to calm.  We have the ability to help each other as much as we hurt each other, let’s try to use our powers for good instead of evil.  If we weren’t so busy competing with each other over jobs, men, and social standing we could truly rule the world.