Monday, March 26, 2012

Are you who you thought you'd be now?

I was looking at my blog, searching for an idea of what to write about this month, and I came across this draft, I'm not real sure when I wrote it (because I forgot to look at the date before I clicked "edit") but I still like it, its still relevant, and while this isn't my official March post, I am going to share it with you.

Its weird... I've been scanning through friends and friends of friends' facebook pages and I'm finding out more than I ever really wanted or needed to know about some people. I had to stop. I had to look away. We live in the information age, but sometimes there IS a such thing as too much information.

I look around and I see that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be at 30.  It's not a bad thing, dreams change, priorities change, and life sometimes takes a different path. I'm okay with that for the most part.  If you would have asked me 6 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I would have told you married with kids and living in the Houston suburbs. God, that dream is so long dead and buried I often wonder if it was real. Did I ever really want that they way I thought I did? A year ago I would have thought that I'd still be chasing the crush I had but that maybe we finally found a way to make it work the way I wanted it to instead of the way that had been convenient for him... That dream is gone too, although that one had kind of turned into a nightmare itself, so its probably good for my mental health that I've woken up from that too.

When I was in college I wanted to set the world on fire. I want to shake things up, I wanted to make changes, I wanted to be a part of the greater good. Part of me still wants that, I just don't know where to start. There are so many things that are wrong with our society that it overwhelms me. There is so much injustice, inequality, and a general suckines in the world that I don't even know where to start. I guess I do a small part in raising awareness by forwarding and sharing news articles trying to get people fired up about the problems, but I don't know how to be part of the solution.

When I started working at the gym and later managing it I thought I was in it to help people feel better about themselves, get healthy, have fun, and just enjoy life more... but it didn't really work out that way. That place was such a stress ball of depression and irresponisble ownership that I didn't even want my name linked to it by the time it was all over.

I'm still looking for my purpose, trying to find my way... I finally have a job that I like and where I actually respect my bosses (it has been too long since I've had that). I adore my family and friends... but I guess I'm still like that Disney Princess who is still looking for that "something more." I'll get there some day, I know it, I'm so close.