Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Finding Light in the Darkness

So I have all these notes saved in various emails I’ve sent to myself for topics for blogs that I want to write.  While they might be controversial and spark discussions there must be a reason why they’re figuratively gathering dust in cyber-land.  Mostly I think that while I find them interesting, they aren’t inspiring. Tonight I want to write inspired.

I’ve wanted to write for so long, and I haven’t found the words.  I think I’ve been too caught up in my own head about what a “good idea” is and what people want to read…as if I’m already a viral blogger followed by thousands instead of maybe a dozen on a good day.  What I’m forgetting is that these words are for me, they’re what I need to say, not necessarily what needs to be read.

The blog ideas that I have saved and that are continuing to wait to be written about are rants about things I find wrong in our society and the idealized solutions I would have for them if I ruled the world.  No matter how much I might complain on a regular basis I am at heart an optimist, I want to believe the best in people and I want to see that silver lining in every storm cloud.  I want to see the rainbow after a hurricane.

I read a blog article today by Jenny Lawson (more famously known as The Bloggess and if you don't follow www.thebloggess.com you're really missing out).  Anyway she wrote a deeply personal article about her on-going war with depression and her triumphant victory over this particular battle.  It was beautiful, moving, and so incredibly relatable.  I may not have ever been as deep in the cave as she’s been, but I’ve experienced the darkness.  I’ve had plenty of anxiety attacks that strike out of nowhere, and will leave me a puddle of shivering sobbing raw emotion; it’s not a fun place to be.  I’ve watched people I love spiral into the abyss out where the life rings don’t reach and yet I know that I’m lucky.  I have an amazing group of friends who will walk through fire and darkness to pull me out even if means dragging me by the roots of my hair.

There have been times when I’ve been scared to tell them what I’m going through because I don’t know if they’ll understand or if they’ll judge me for making what they think are bad or dangerous choices.  What I do know is that they love me and most of the time I’m able to get over the fear eventually because in my heart I know there are no boundaries to our friendship and they’ll love me through whatever is troubling me, even if the love comes with a lecture.  Or sometimes instead of making me talk out my problems, they’ll just offer an escape.  Sometimes just sitting on the couch watching a movie I’ve seen a hundred times with someone who gets me is enough to make all the bad stuff go away.  Blake Shelton sings this great love song called “God Gave Me You” and I have to say that song fits how I feel about my friends more that it has ever fit any romantic relationship I’ve ever been in.  A great line from the song is “…For when I think I lost my way, there are no words here left to say, it’s true, God gave me you…” This couldn’t speak for my heart any more honestly.  When I lose my way my friends and family are the ones who act like lighthouses guiding me back to shore… and if my friends are the lighthouse, my family must be the tugboat.

My brother means the world to me, I’m not sure there’s anyone closer to me right now.  He knows what’s going on in my life almost as soon as I do.  Even when he disappoints me he’s one of the first people I turn to in a crisis.  When my heart got broken and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry all day, he crawled in next to me and held me until the tears stopped.  He listened when I told him what had happened and was honest with me about his view on the situation.  He made me laugh when I felt like I could never be happy again, and made me feel important when I felt insignificant.  When we were kids I never would have believed that we would have a relationship like this, we could barely get along when we lived together, now I get mad at him if we don’t see each other at least once a week.

My cousin is probably the one person in the world that I can tell her anything and not shock her in anyway.  Anything I’m feeling, she’s felt it, any romance drama I’ve gone through, she’s done it.  She’s gone through all the same family stuff I’ve gone through and I don’t even need words to communicate with her…but she scares me because she spends a lot more time in the dark waters than I do.  She’s been through a lot in her short life and while I know she can pull me into the light, I don’t know that I can do the same for her, no matter how much I want to.  I think the best I can do for her is to let her know that I love her no matter what she does (even if I don’t always agree with her) and that I am always available when she needs me.  I know I would never survive losing her, the darkness would win that round if I ever had to say goodbye to that girl.

This didn’t turn out to be the light bubbly post I had intended to write, but I think this is better; it’s more real this way.  I wanted to write inspired, and I feel like I did that.  My main goal is to always write from the heart, to be honest with myself and whoever may be reading this.  I think I accomplished that tonight and I feel like I’m in a really good place right now.  Yes, I cried while writing this, but I’m not sad.

I’m so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life that have made me who I am, for everyone who has stayed by my side through the ups and downs, for the people who make me laugh when I’m sad, for the people who make me feel safe in a dangerous world, for the people who make me feel like they’ll never judge me, for the people who love me unconditionally.  I hope this lets you see even in this small way how much you mean to me.