Friday, August 5, 2011

The Customer Service Letters I Wish I Could Send...

UPDATE 08/22/12
Dear Infinate Math Skills,
I know you need an 8 passenger vehicle, I do not have one of those in my fleet, I do however have one that is larger and would accomodate your needs if you should choose to accept it. I realize that companies do manufacture cars with 8 seats, but I do not carry every car that was ever made. Please listen when I try to explain that to you. You do not have to speak to me like I'm an idiot and that you know more about what cars I have available than I do, I assure you, you do not. Also? If it appears that I have completely checked out of the conversation, and quoted you an obscenely high rate without even checking availability, you would be correct. Mostly because I just don't want to deal with you anymore.

UPDATE 07/23/12
Dear Desperately Seeking Someone
Just because I am nice to you doesn't mean I'm interested. It means I'm in the customer service industry and am paid to not be an asshole. I do not want to run away with you. It is not appropriate for you to tell me that my life is incomplete because 1. I do not have children, 2. I don't want to have YOUR children. Just because I am not married or wearing significant jewelry does NOT mean that I am available to you. You do not get to introduce your siblings to me as "your future sister-in-laws." You don't get to ask me if I am dating my boss or co-workers. NONE OF THIS IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

UPDATE 07/11/12
Dear Expired License
Why are you mad/surprised that we can't rent to you? You do not have a valid driver's license. It is not legal for you to drive a car, I sure can't put you on a contract to drive if it is illegal for you to do so. Please leave and stop giving me the evil eye. This is your fault not some "BS that [we] cook up to make it more difficult for [you] to get a vehicle"

UPDATE 06/13/2012
I'm not even sure how to phrase this in the form of a letter, but here is an example of the ridiculousness that we have to deal with in customer service.

customer a: do you have a restroom we can use?
 co-worker: its out of service right now
customer a: any suggestions?
co-worker: McD's is right next door
customer b: the bushes right outside the building
me: um please not the ones right behind my window...
customer b: don't worry honey, you're wearing glasses, you won't be able to see anything he's got


UPDATE 06/04/2012
Dear CrankyPants No Reservation Grandpa:
If you don't book a reservation, we can't hold a car or lock in a rate, we tell you this while you're getting rate quotes from us. You chose not to book a car. Please do not have someone drop you off unannounced and demand that we have exactly what you inquired about a week ago. We do have a car available, but the rate is different...because rates change depending on the size of the car and our availability. If you wanted the rate locked in, you should have made a reservation.  Also when you're small grandchild is acting fussy in the office because you're having a hissy fit and are making him nervous, please don't tell him he's a "bad boy for throwing a fit because [he's] not getting his way." The kid is mimicking your behavior asshole. If you want him to grow up as a respectful human being you have to act like one around him.

Dear Uninsured:
If you do not meet our minimum requirements you cannot rent a car... no what ifs, thank you have a nice day.

UPDATE 01/19/2012
Dear Insufficient Funds:
If you can't afford the minimum deposit on the rental (or do not have a credit card/debit card in your name) maybe you shouldn't be renting the car. I am not "tying up" all your funds to destroy your fun family trip. If you cannot leave the deposit because you want to "go shopping" and can't afford to do both, maybe this trip wasn't planned very well. Plus if you were planning on spending all of your money before returning the car, HOW WERE YOU PLANNING ON PAYING FOR THE RENTAL TO BEGIN WITH? Do you think we'll feel sorry for you because you were irresponsible with your spending?  I can guarantee that I won't.

Dear Damaged Goods:
I cannot automatically refund your security deposit if you return the truck you rented damaged.  Even if you claim to have full coverage auto insurance. They are not separate issues. There are several steps to take when a vehicle is damaged and handing over cash to you isn't the first step... its actually the last, and often your insurance won't cover damages to a moving truck, especially if that damage was due to your negligence.  No sir, I'm sorry, it was not my fault that you "aren't a truck driver" we don't require special licenses for our trucks. You are the one who backed the truck into your house. It was your responsibility. Be an adult here.

I'll update as the crazy continues... but here's some to wet your whistle:

Dear Psycho Customer~
Everytime you rent you're a problem, you're rude, demanding, uncooperative, and have poor hygeine. Just as an FYI if you continue to yell at me, call me a liar when I honestly tell you that we're sold out of cars, change your story multiple times, and go on and on about how poorly we treat our customers, it doesn't inspire me to want to to try to help you. It will make me do the opposite. There is probably a reason why NONE of our competition will rent to you.

Dear Bad Parent~
It is highly inappropriate for you to give your barely potty trained toddler a boomerang as a toy to play with in public.  It is even more inappropriate for you to allow your child to throw said boomerang at my staff.  The worst part was when you said "Oh isn't he cute? That's the love of my life." What you should have said was "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Then after you got the confirmation that no one was injured you should have excused yourself and your child to have a little talk in the parking lot about what kind of behavior should be exhibited in public. Your coddling and encouragement of being rude and basically violent to strangers isn't going to produce a kind loving member of society, its going to produce an entitled little shit head who thinks that everything he does is cute and okay even when it clearly isn't.

Dear Senior PDA Couple
Thank you.

Dear Smokey McSmokerstein
I do not find it even slightly amusing that you are demanding a non-smoking car (our whole fleet is non-smoking) because you are highly allergic to cigarette smoke, and yet you are a chain smoker. Hypocrite much?

Dear Cancelled Reservation
Sorry we do not hold cars for customers who are 1. not qualified renters and 2. cancel their reservations. No I will not "burn in hell" as you suggested because you do not meet our minimum qualifications to rent a $30,000 vehicle.  Its not "poor customer service" as you feel because we are not allowing you to use someone's credit card that you have written on a scrap piece of paper as a form of payment.  Get back on the crazy train and go home.

Dear Deadbeat Parents (not to be confused with "Bad Parent" mentioned above)
We are not daycare, we are not here to watch over your assumed loved ones. While I understand that not all of you will fit safely in one of the moving trucks to go refuel, it should not take 2 adults to go put fuel in a truck.  One of you should have stayed behind with your children instead of leaving them unattended in my office.  Yes they were well behaved (actually, they were much better behaved than you were) but that is beside the point. Who leaves their children with complete strangers in a place of business? What if something had happened to them? Who would you have held responsible? You didn't even ask us if we minded that you leave them behind.  I wouldn't leave my purse behind, why would you leave your kids whom you should value more?  Also when you returned to check in your vehicle instead of cussing us out that you felt it was bullshit to be forced to refuel the truck you used since you didn't want to be charged the service fee for us taking care of it, you should have said "thank you for letting my kids stay here while we took care of something we should have done before we returned in the first place (per our signed rental agreement).''