Friday, August 5, 2011

The Customer Service Letters I Wish I Could Send...

UPDATE 08/22/12
Dear Infinate Math Skills,
I know you need an 8 passenger vehicle, I do not have one of those in my fleet, I do however have one that is larger and would accomodate your needs if you should choose to accept it. I realize that companies do manufacture cars with 8 seats, but I do not carry every car that was ever made. Please listen when I try to explain that to you. You do not have to speak to me like I'm an idiot and that you know more about what cars I have available than I do, I assure you, you do not. Also? If it appears that I have completely checked out of the conversation, and quoted you an obscenely high rate without even checking availability, you would be correct. Mostly because I just don't want to deal with you anymore.

UPDATE 07/23/12
Dear Desperately Seeking Someone
Just because I am nice to you doesn't mean I'm interested. It means I'm in the customer service industry and am paid to not be an asshole. I do not want to run away with you. It is not appropriate for you to tell me that my life is incomplete because 1. I do not have children, 2. I don't want to have YOUR children. Just because I am not married or wearing significant jewelry does NOT mean that I am available to you. You do not get to introduce your siblings to me as "your future sister-in-laws." You don't get to ask me if I am dating my boss or co-workers. NONE OF THIS IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

UPDATE 07/11/12
Dear Expired License
Why are you mad/surprised that we can't rent to you? You do not have a valid driver's license. It is not legal for you to drive a car, I sure can't put you on a contract to drive if it is illegal for you to do so. Please leave and stop giving me the evil eye. This is your fault not some "BS that [we] cook up to make it more difficult for [you] to get a vehicle"

UPDATE 06/13/2012
I'm not even sure how to phrase this in the form of a letter, but here is an example of the ridiculousness that we have to deal with in customer service.

customer a: do you have a restroom we can use?
 co-worker: its out of service right now
customer a: any suggestions?
co-worker: McD's is right next door
customer b: the bushes right outside the building
me: um please not the ones right behind my window...
customer b: don't worry honey, you're wearing glasses, you won't be able to see anything he's got


UPDATE 06/04/2012
Dear CrankyPants No Reservation Grandpa:
If you don't book a reservation, we can't hold a car or lock in a rate, we tell you this while you're getting rate quotes from us. You chose not to book a car. Please do not have someone drop you off unannounced and demand that we have exactly what you inquired about a week ago. We do have a car available, but the rate is different...because rates change depending on the size of the car and our availability. If you wanted the rate locked in, you should have made a reservation.  Also when you're small grandchild is acting fussy in the office because you're having a hissy fit and are making him nervous, please don't tell him he's a "bad boy for throwing a fit because [he's] not getting his way." The kid is mimicking your behavior asshole. If you want him to grow up as a respectful human being you have to act like one around him.

Dear Uninsured:
If you do not meet our minimum requirements you cannot rent a car... no what ifs, thank you have a nice day.

UPDATE 01/19/2012
Dear Insufficient Funds:
If you can't afford the minimum deposit on the rental (or do not have a credit card/debit card in your name) maybe you shouldn't be renting the car. I am not "tying up" all your funds to destroy your fun family trip. If you cannot leave the deposit because you want to "go shopping" and can't afford to do both, maybe this trip wasn't planned very well. Plus if you were planning on spending all of your money before returning the car, HOW WERE YOU PLANNING ON PAYING FOR THE RENTAL TO BEGIN WITH? Do you think we'll feel sorry for you because you were irresponsible with your spending?  I can guarantee that I won't.

Dear Damaged Goods:
I cannot automatically refund your security deposit if you return the truck you rented damaged.  Even if you claim to have full coverage auto insurance. They are not separate issues. There are several steps to take when a vehicle is damaged and handing over cash to you isn't the first step... its actually the last, and often your insurance won't cover damages to a moving truck, especially if that damage was due to your negligence.  No sir, I'm sorry, it was not my fault that you "aren't a truck driver" we don't require special licenses for our trucks. You are the one who backed the truck into your house. It was your responsibility. Be an adult here.

I'll update as the crazy continues... but here's some to wet your whistle:

Dear Psycho Customer~
Everytime you rent you're a problem, you're rude, demanding, uncooperative, and have poor hygeine. Just as an FYI if you continue to yell at me, call me a liar when I honestly tell you that we're sold out of cars, change your story multiple times, and go on and on about how poorly we treat our customers, it doesn't inspire me to want to to try to help you. It will make me do the opposite. There is probably a reason why NONE of our competition will rent to you.

Dear Bad Parent~
It is highly inappropriate for you to give your barely potty trained toddler a boomerang as a toy to play with in public.  It is even more inappropriate for you to allow your child to throw said boomerang at my staff.  The worst part was when you said "Oh isn't he cute? That's the love of my life." What you should have said was "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Then after you got the confirmation that no one was injured you should have excused yourself and your child to have a little talk in the parking lot about what kind of behavior should be exhibited in public. Your coddling and encouragement of being rude and basically violent to strangers isn't going to produce a kind loving member of society, its going to produce an entitled little shit head who thinks that everything he does is cute and okay even when it clearly isn't.

Dear Senior PDA Couple
Thank you.

Dear Smokey McSmokerstein
I do not find it even slightly amusing that you are demanding a non-smoking car (our whole fleet is non-smoking) because you are highly allergic to cigarette smoke, and yet you are a chain smoker. Hypocrite much?

Dear Cancelled Reservation
Sorry we do not hold cars for customers who are 1. not qualified renters and 2. cancel their reservations. No I will not "burn in hell" as you suggested because you do not meet our minimum qualifications to rent a $30,000 vehicle.  Its not "poor customer service" as you feel because we are not allowing you to use someone's credit card that you have written on a scrap piece of paper as a form of payment.  Get back on the crazy train and go home.

Dear Deadbeat Parents (not to be confused with "Bad Parent" mentioned above)
We are not daycare, we are not here to watch over your assumed loved ones. While I understand that not all of you will fit safely in one of the moving trucks to go refuel, it should not take 2 adults to go put fuel in a truck.  One of you should have stayed behind with your children instead of leaving them unattended in my office.  Yes they were well behaved (actually, they were much better behaved than you were) but that is beside the point. Who leaves their children with complete strangers in a place of business? What if something had happened to them? Who would you have held responsible? You didn't even ask us if we minded that you leave them behind.  I wouldn't leave my purse behind, why would you leave your kids whom you should value more?  Also when you returned to check in your vehicle instead of cussing us out that you felt it was bullshit to be forced to refuel the truck you used since you didn't want to be charged the service fee for us taking care of it, you should have said "thank you for letting my kids stay here while we took care of something we should have done before we returned in the first place (per our signed rental agreement).''

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Helpful Resume and Interview Tips and Pointers

Both of these are listed on my facebook page, and are about a year old each... however as we embark upon the hiring journey, I felt it appropriate to share again, and as a single post.
Resume Pointers:
1. If you claim to be a perfectionist, that you always pay close attention to detail, and will do whatever it takes to make sure you get the job done right the first time, PLEASE remember to hit the spell check button on your word processing program. Also make sure your grammar is at least passable, I'm not an English teacher, but when your sentence structure is so poor that it makes it difficult to read your cover letter, I probably won't even print your application and turn it into our hiring manager. Plus simple mistakes like these prove that you are not in fact a perfectionist, and that you do not pay close attention to detail, that in truth you are just using the buzz words that EVERYONE puts on their resumes to make them sparkle. I want diamonds people, not glitter.
2. Your resume is much easier to read/print/pass along to the hiring manager if you attach it as a PDF file or a word document instead of embedding it in the email.

3. If the job posting specifically states that the job requires that you have nights and weekend availability, please do not submit an application if you do not have those hours available.

4. If the posting specifically states that you email your resume and cover letter to an email address required, please do not respond to the email:

       "I do not wish to submit my resume via email, I'd much rather come in and apply in person and give you my resume then, please contact me as to when and where this would be most convenient, and I'll try to work it into my schedule"

Please remember that you are applying for a job to work for me, not the other way around, and if you cannot follow simple instructions as to how to apply to the job, I'm guessing you will not follow instructions when it comes to actually doing the job (and I will not respond to your email, nor will I forward this message on).

5. Please do not use fancy fonts, this will not make your resume stand out in a good way; it will just make it annoying and hard to read.

6. Please keep your resume to one page, two only if you are including a cover page or references. I don't need to know about jobs you had 10 years ago on your resume. I do not appreciate 5 page resumes.

7. If your resume is going to have an "Objective" section, please make sure it applies to the job you are applying for. If you are applying for a job as a Part-Time Car Rental Counter Agent, it doesn't make sense for your objective section to say you are looking for a "Full-Time Child Care Provider" position.
Helpful Interview Hints:
Over time I have come across a few things that I think might be helpful for those out in the job market. Just remember you start getting judged when you turn in your resume, not just when your interview is scheduled to start.

Make sure you dress appropriately, first impressions are important and if you look like a slob then your potential employers are going to assume that you are not serious about the job you are applying for. Here are a few fashion faux pas...

1. Sneakers (especially brightly colored keds that would be more appropriate roaming the grounds of a High School Musical) are not professional work wear, leave them at home.

2. Jeans are too casual for an interview for an office position.

3. Sandals are not appropriate office shoes (and we're talking beachy sandals, not dressy ones)

4. Overbearing perfume/cologne is not appreciated, it makes me want to vomit. Just be clean because I'm pretty sure that body odor would technically be worse.

5. Brush your hair. Just because Justin Bieber looks "cute" with shaggy hair doesn't mean that you do.

Make sure you are prepared for the interview

1. Punctuality is important, know where you are going and how to get there. You shouldn't have to call the office where you interview is being held MULTIPLE times to confirm your interview time (unless it has been rescheduled MULTIPLE times).

2. Leave your starting point with enough time to get there, and a couple of minutes to spare in case you miss your exit.  Google Map your destination so you don't get lost if you are unfamiliar with the area you are going to.

3. If you can't drive/walk/bicycle etc yourself to the interview and have to bring a friend, it is not appropriate to bring them into the office with you and have them hang out in the lobby for moral support. They take up valuable space that an actual customer could use. Make them wait in the car or go run an errand, but you don't need to use the buddy system when it comes to job interviews. Trust me, it just makes you look pathetic.

4. While we're on the subject of pathetic... Don't kiss my ass. I'm not going to put in a good word for you just because you are nice to me. Don't fail on the above mentioned items and I'll be much more impressed.

Writer's Block

I want to write, I need to write, I feel the itch in my fingertips and the inspiration begging to be unleashed… however, I’m blocked.I don’t know what to write about, I don’t have a single topic to discuss, or maybe I have too many to pinpoint into a singular post.

I don’t have any crazy stories about ridiculous encounters with people who are so stupid they couldn’t solve a Rubik’s cube if it were all one color (I read that online somewhere and LOVED the quote, I’m just not sure where it came from, if you know I'd give them all the credit for it)

I could write about my birthday month shenanigans, you only turn 30 once after all… well biologically anyway, I think I might turn 30 at least 5 more times.I’ve celebrated by having a pizza party at a friend’s house, going to Vegas with the family (mom’s side), celebrated with a barbeque with friends and my dad’s side of the family, and will be going to LA this weekend to celebrate again with my cousin who I’ve just recently became reacquainted with through the wonders of facebook.

I supposed I could take a dark turn and talk about how my great grandmother is dying and I don’t think I’ll get to see her again before her spirit leaves her body to join family members that have gone before her.How if I can be half of the woman she was, I think I’ll be doing okay.She’s 101 years old and still mentally proficient; she’s surrounded by children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren who adore her.The last time I went to visit her she was telling my dad and I about her first speeding ticket…at 80 years old!She can still tell a story that will make you laugh until you cry, it’s incredibly sad that her body is finished before the rest of her is.

I can write about how creatively blocked I feel when it comes to writing my novel that I’ve only been working on since 2008 and I’m only 60 pages into it. Its a story about love and how it doesn't matter how old or young you are, it makes you crazy... in this case it will be crazy in a good way, but part of me feels like its going in a direction that would rip off any Nora Roberts, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Danielle Steele novel I've ever read... plus is pulls so much from my real life (in the most rose colored glasses sort of way) that part of me wants to wait for something interesting to happen to keep writing and part of me says SHUT IT DOWN its too much of a fantasy diary and even though I've changed the names and events people are going to recognize themselves in it.

There are always my baking adventures and my drives up and down the Coast that I could also photo-document the journeys. I love being in the kitchen and decorating cupcakes, I have no formal training, but some really cool tools that make me look like I have way more skills than I actually possess, I could say the same about my awesome camera and how its nearly impossible to take a bad picture with it.

But none of it bites; none of it inspires me to write paragraph after paragraph, none make me want to bare my soul in a very public manner on any of those topics.

Nothing seems to be gripping my heart and mind.

Where is my muse damn it?It’s not hiding in the bottom of my Coors Light, and it’s not starring in either of the Netflix movies I’ve watched tonight… It isn’t hiding in my camera or in my markers or glue sticks… Maybe my muse has concealed herself in my guitar, I haven’t picked her up in a few days and my calluses are going away, which just means it will be even harder to try to learn to play.

Perhaps I need to stop looking for outside influences to open the flood gates to my creativity.Maybe my muse lies in wait inside me; inside my heart, inside my mind, inside my guts.Maybe I need to stop waiting for her to come to me and just open myself up to inspiration.